Prominent clergy, who commented in their personal capacity, argue that in healthy marriages, built on core values of love and respect, rape is non-existent. 

The pastors commented in reaction to comments made by Popular Democratic Movement parliamentarian Elma Dienda, who last week said rape does not exist in marriage, reasoning a husband or wife cannot rape their spouse.  She said this was taught to her during marriage induction. 

She said sexual intercourse was a spousal right, and only married people would understand that.

The statement provoked outrage in parliament, and her party distanced themselves from the statement.  The issue of marital rape has since dominated public discussion.

New Era engaged bishop Lukas Katenda of the Reformed Evangelical Anglican Church of Namibia (REACH-Namibia); pastor Dolly Nengushe, a member of the Alliance of Christian Churches in Namibia (ACCN) and former secretary general of the Council of Churches in Namibia (CCN), reverend Maria Kapere on their views surrounding the issue. 

Katenda said, “couples in healthy marriages fight tooth and nail to keep their marriages safe, secure and enjoyable.”

On this understanding and practice, rape can find it hard to appear – let alone grow and flourish in a healthy marriage. 

“I suspect this is the understanding of honourable Dienda, who is known to me to be a conservative woman leader as a Catholic Christian. And on this level, she is absolutely correct,” Katenda settled. 

He said couples must seek to understand more deeply and more passionately the nature and role of sex in marriage. 

“They must determine the nature and methodology of sex in their private room and adhere to such. Male partners must exercise great patience and maturity, especially in understanding the female approach to sex. Women of childbearing age experience a menstrual cycle monthly; this may mean a postponement of coitus during such time. During pregnancy and postpartum, there might be a postponement of coitus as well,” he said. Relationship consultant Ngamane Karuaihe-Upi agreed with Katenda that there is no room for rape in healthy marriages.

He said couples in healthy and stable relationships can negotiate healthy and safe sex.

“Those who can negotiate sex are the minority of marriages. Rape happens in the majority of marriages because women are forced by their husbands to have sex even when they are on their periods. When someone is not empowered enough, then those things make rape possible. Culture also plays a dominant role in rape because it does not recognise gender-based violence,” he reasoned. 

However, Katenda differentiated that in an unhealthy marriage, anything and nothing is a possibility, saying rape then is one reason or indicator of a sick marriage. 

“I personally think sick marriages that are not treated or redeemed should not be regarded as marriages. Unhealthy marriages are just unhealthy marriages. Those attacking honourable Dienda are liberal feminists who think from the perspective of sick marriages. Sick marriages must be treated and healed so that no rape will be heard from them,” Katenda remarked. Asked if his office came across any reported cases of marital rape – and if so, what has been done to help these members of the community, Katenda said of all the cases, he has counselled, he met few direct cases in which unwanted intercourses happen. 

However, he said, these are a build-up on other things, adding the unions were already sick on every other level to the point of depriving each other of sex. 

Usually, he added, it is cheating that is prevalent.  “Such cases are helped via education by addressing sex and sexuality. It is a hard topic and very sensitive but I try to address it as it is part of life. Some cases improve with couples’ commitment to change their attitudes and therefore practices. Trainable couples really change – but in some cases, I fail to achieve any goal and therefore such marriages usually fail and end in divorce.”

Kapere described marriage as a physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual intensive between two people, who are obliged to fulfil their marital responsibilities physically, materially, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.  In fulfilling these human needs and rights, people, she said, sometimes overlook and overstep one’s rights and needs of the other person – knowingly and or unknowingly. 

Kapere noted a case where she would acknowledge that rape has taken place. 

She narrated a cervical cancerous woman, who suffered severely and had to endure her husband forcing himself on her after his drinking spree.

 “She was screaming in pain whenever this was happening. That’s rape. Neighbours never intervened, as they didn’t want to be involved. But they knew what was happening in that house. But under normal circumstances, I would say no, rape does not happen,” she said.

Kapere said increasing divorce cases are caused by the selfishness of the individuals, where one party in the marriage is unfaithful but still demands sex from the other party. 

Kapere cautioned everyone in a marital relationship should be sensitive to the other’s needs and aspirations – and understand when to be caring and responsive. 

Both should agree to abstain when the other is emotionally or physically challenged or incapable in a particular circumstance. 

In the midst of the undeniable reality of human weaknesses and shortcomings, she advised spouses to seek spiritual and professional counselling and support to overcome their differences and challenges.

Pastor Nengushe said the recent debate in parliament has brought so much confusion in interpreting the rights of married couples with regard to their sexual rights in marriage.  

“In a healthy marriage, there is no rape. Only in an unhealthy marriage that needs spiritual guidance and counselling to understand the essence and importance of sex in marriage,” she contended. 

She describes non-consensual sex as a lack of respect, love and understanding of the essence and importance of sex in marriage. 

Nengushe hit back, saying some of these misquoted words of criminalising sex in marriage come from “our” past experiences of abuse outside of marriage and filter the same opinions in marriage. 

She said sex is consensual when they agree to enter holy matrimony and the two parties have the same rights towards sex within the boundaries of marriage because, in marriage, their bodies belong to each other. They become one flesh.  

“The act of sex makes these two people one so that no rights are violated against the other because the sex act becomes a mutual spontaneous thing that both parties agreed to.

She, therefore, supports the notion raised by Dienda that there is no rape in a healthy marriage because sex in marriage was designed to be enjoyable between husband and wife – not a violation.  – anakale@nepc.com.na