I read somewhere that a sperm bank donor clinic opened here in diri Windhoek. The ad cautioned women to “please stop sleeping with unnecessary men” and that some men have “abnormal sperm”.  It called on women to avoid sperm donors who come in the form of boyfriends and “rather get your child and raise them with no stress”. I don’t know, maybe this bank is even a hoax because the telephone number on the advert could not be reached or does not exist at MTC. Maybe I am way ahead of myself but then again, you never know. 

In the meantime, orige me, decided to post it on social media, and oh boy, was I swamped with enquiries as to whether the sperm bank exists and where they can “deliver” their services. I was surprised at the level of interest that came equally from men and women. Goodness, lol, did I just become a customer care agent for the sought-after sperm bank?

The men wanted to know where they can take their ‘deposits’ and how much they will get for every deposit. I don’t know, but I have heard that in other countries, especially in far-off lands like the United States, you get good money for doing the noble deed. Some even wanted to know what the incentives are for extracting sperm, which got me a little confused until one asked if there would be some sexy senoritas to entice them into the act. What I have seen in movies is young men going into those cubicles with adult magazines and coming out all tired, but for all I know, I have never seen men being led in by erotic mamas into those cubicles, so please get that one out of your head.

The women also had their requests. One said she wished to have a laanie child, another wanted an Indian kid. This other one desired a child with Einstein’s brain while another asked for a tall, dark and handsome boy. And so the requests became weirder by the minute.

While so far I have seen no proof that such a bank exists or that it is to open, imagine all the huuu Elai things that could happen and how soon such a bank would run into the ground – knowing how we do. You would soon hear the bank was broken into and the tsotsis got away with Bra John’s sperm – you know the tycoon with a mansion hovering over Kleine Kuppe. Ja, the one driving the latest Maserati. Only to hear a year later that ten slay-queens ‘found’ his sperm, got pregnant and are now demanding child support from him. Just think of how the maintenance courts would have their hands full.

Imagine Ou Jan Rap trying to deposit his sperm in the bank to get some change for a lekke Friday night out, only to be told that the bank is now full and he must come back another day – but actually being shown away because he sleeps under the bridge, his clothes are torn and he clearly has no IQ that would interest any woman to carry his child even if he has the ‘good hair’.

I know there are those of you who will argue that donating sperm is immoral because a child deserves its mother and father, but with so many children raised without both sets of parents or who are abandoned and neglected, ending up in foster homes, I think it’s still a workable option. 

While I could be well ahead of myself about the sperm bank, I think you would agree with me that it is a noble thing to do to fill the earth – at least the Namibian earth that is so underpopulated knowing that the kanatje would be taken care of without the one parent being forced to carry the responsibility. 

Also thinking health-wise, knowing how people have normalised cheating with this sidechicks/sidedish goede, having unprotected sex for the sake of procreation can have adversarial consequences. The sperm bank comes in handy where a healthy sperm is guaranteed and an independent woman is out there who is willing to raise a child by herself. Boom shaka boom, go get your sperm. 

 Sorry Ngo!