I hate to be April fooled, but every year I fall for the joke like a zoppa who hopes to get her money back at the tara-nawa corner on Independence Avenue. Some of you probably don’t know what tara nawa is, but it was a group of skolies from the golden 90s who used to gamble/swindle money out of unsuspecting victims by the stroke of a dice. I don’t know why, but I am just one of those who have been swindled too many a time – maybe I just got that mampara written on my face, but I am tired now.
But let me tell you the story of what happened to me on April Fool’s Day. There I was, minding my own business on 1 April, only to receive a message early morning, kamma “Good morning cuz. Just wanted to let you know I am in bed very sick. I need to be taken to hospital but there is no transport. So, in case something goes wrong, be strong for me”.
Huh? I tried to call back and send messages but this beloved cousin would not answer my calls nor respond to my SMSes. So, in panic, I decided to drive to her place somewhere in Silver Town in the xramadulas, but keeping in mind that it’s a big risk since government decided to lock us all in our own homes like little kids.
On my way, I drove by the supermarket to pick up something for my cousin to drink and eat. Jeerrie, the queues were like those from the 1989 first national elections stretching over hundreds of metres. The lines were so long that the people waiting outside the supermarket had to form a circle as only a certain number of people could be allowed inside at a time.
I realised that there was no way I would make it in time to pick up my cousin and rush her to hospital, so I just sped off to her residence. Once I got there someone just peeped through the window and in a whispering voice said, “come, come”. So, I hurriedly made my way inside her place, thinking, oh my God, please not her – not my favourite cousin. With my heart beating fast, I entered the kaya, only to be greeted by folks laughing their behinds off. Eto. There was my kamstige ‘sick’ cousin all healthy - just a happy go-lucky sama ma...mxxm. There was nothing wrong with her, just her crazy-self, laughing at how she was able to fool me.
There were maybe ten of her neighbours sitting inside that kambashu drinking up a storm. I was wondering whether they ever slept last night. It was jolly in that kaya I tell you - 061s here, Punya Punya there, Navara over there, Ricky Louw, White Horse...Kalunga kange. I just couldn’t keep up, but it was the end of the month and you know how we do. One meme – probably a neighbour was selling spicy kapana which was tasting nogals nxa. I was just about to open the nicely cold “Keep it real” but before I could put my teeth to it, we heard the loud sounds of police sirens. I too a glimpse through the sink plates’ hole and o gons! The gatas and paraparas were everywhere with sjamboks. Mukuru! We were gonna get bleksemmed like those folks I laughed at getting moered with sjamboks in broad daylight at some kandikotjo in
The gatas knocked at the door. “Open!” We all remained quiet, almost peeing in our pants. Then they kicked down the door. I ran into the next room and hid under the bed. I heard screams as folks were being whipped left and centre. Oh my heavens! Today is the day. Then I heard a voice, “come out!” He pulled me from underneath the bed and with his swinging sjambok aimed at me. I screamed, “No!” But before he could strike, I woke up from a very scary dream.
LOL. Got you too. Happy April Fools’ Day!