John Ekongo THE church is a holy place of worship, so we were taught in Sunday school and that is how we grew up understanding the ritual of Sunday mass. But of late, I actually am starting to challenge that notion. Now with so many many churches mushrooming, we have been given a choice of churches to suit our needs. With it also, we somehow seem to have signed contracts. I don’t truly think that we at all go to church with holy intentions anymore. You can agree or disagree with my reasons here. Try seeing if you can identify with a few of these. Obviously, for the middle-aged women employed in the public service if they happen to have Ellerines, Furniture Mart, Woolworth accounts and when Nedloans starts coming after them. That’s when they usually start asking for the nearest direction to the blessed one Pastor Goroh’s Jesus Centre. On the other hand, for the previously disadvantaged black brother, now empowered usually, that’s when Club Motors, M&Z and Auas Delta start asking your bank manager about your credit ratings. With us, it’s always about the car, sometimes the wife too. For the young ones, three things mostly, either he’s got a new suit, a relative passed on or his other half deserted him. Or you got forced to go to church by your girlfriend because she is now tired of being seen with you only at nightclubs and Taxi Rank Bottle store. Should this happen with you trust me, you’re not far from being asked that all important question: “John, when are you planning to marry me?” Another one if you approaching thirty-five and still unmarried, you start scouting and the last place naturally to headhunt for beauty is the church, prove me wrong. This goes for both female and male. You seriously do not want to tell your future in-laws when they going to probe how you guys met, that: “Aaye otwatsakanena po-La-deedas, nenge okwali po-Chez Ntemba ano, sweety.” That is not classy at all. However, should you honestly be interested in going for prayers, I think it’s best I warn you about which churches not to attend and things not to do. So be warned. Please stay away from any church where the service starts with an offering, then you pray with an offering and in between the sermon, the reverend asks for another offering, and towards the end of service he announces that as from next Sunday service, the offering fees have just been increased by another 15 percent apparently to keep up with inflation and other hikes. At all cost avoid the church where the pastor drives a top-of-the-range ML Mercedes Benz SUV, and where the wife also has a Volvo, unless of course you’re willing to share your pay cheque. If your church has still that same boufonds ever since you were an infant: Please demand a transfer, because that boufonds has no intention to cease – it will go on till life everlasting. Do not go to church where the majority of the congregation members shops at Pfhols Men Outfitters, Otto MÃÆ’Æ‘Æ‘ÃÆ”šÃ‚¼hr Fashions, Queenspark and Stuttafords, especially if you are a Lutheran. Especially the big fancy one in Katutura. Here we don’t pay in cash or coins, you have to issue a cheque. But don’t be worried, I know of a couple of cheques that have bounced; just make sure that it’s not yours. Otherwise your name will be announced in church. Almost forget, if you don’t own a car, do not tell the taxi-driver to drop you off among the paradise of luxury vehicles in the church courtyard. Rather have him drop you off at the robots, get in service late, and be the first to leave. That way no one knows what type of car you drive. As for me, right now I think church would not be such a bad idea at all; my other half is giving me real problems. The only thing I have to do now is hire a suit and cheque-book. Sorry Ngo!!