Charles Tjatindi
Gone are the days when speaking a black-American slang of English was considered a sign of intelligence. Namibians have seemingly found new ways to show their intelligence and wealth – by going back to their respective roots.
Ok, first things first. Your trip back to African renaissance would be determined by which part of the country you are from. The golden rule is that you confine your actions to things your great-grandfather would relate to.
I am still struggling to get myself in tune with this whole going back to our roots thing, but here is a list of possible things you could do to earn the appreciation and approval of your granny.
1. Make sure you get rid of all your R.Kelly CD’s and replace them with Axue if you are from the Sesfontein area, or the Bulleta ya Kaoko concert group if you hail from Opuwo.
For those of us from the Omaheke and Otjozondjupa regions, we could try getting the Greatest hits of Kazakoka , or Karirao’s “Matanga tjaa tjaa”. Our colleagues from the north can probably get the original release of Shikololo’s “Takamifa” – after all, word is he invented modern Oshiwambo rap.
2. Get yourself one of those “farmers hats” from Agra, and make sure you wear it to weddings and funerals. Those hats just have a certain level of wealth attached to them!
3. I would have advised you to get a Nissan Navara for yourself, but seeing that not all of us can afford it – get yourself any bakkie. Nothing shouts cash louder than be seen driving a bakkie. Go to Rehoboth and negotiate a good price on a Ford Cortina, or get a 1984 Nissan ST 720 from Khorixas. A bakkie is a bakkie!
4. Make it a point to learn the Lords’ prayer in your own local language. Also study how those that have been in touch with traditions and customs longer mourn at funerals – there is nothing more embarassing than mourning in English at a village as remote as Nyangana in the Okavango.
5. Change your name from Charles or Nelson to Ndjambi Omunene , or to Pendapala or Axarob. This will make it easier for the elders to pronounce it at important gatherings when they have to thank you for your precious donations to the building of a new church hall.
6. Never admit that you do not have money. You can use a array of excuses such as “I do not have small change”, or “I forgot my wallet at home”. The latter is more suitable after you have had your fair share of a beef plate at the Herero mall. If that fails, try something along the lines of a cheque that is not yet cleared, or a 32-day notice deposit account… Lastly, study the walking patterns of a love-struck 12-year-old boy, and adopt this as your unique walking style. Don’t forget your walking stick – especially when seeing the bank manager on that Affirmative Action Loan. Eewa.