EENHANA – The state most relationships are in is worrisome. To see just how worrisome it is, one just needs to flick through the Namibian newspapers. Every day couples are dragging each other to court to try and have their problems resolved by the courts. Some husbands and wives who live in the same house are even asking the courts to ensure that they can observe peace towards each other.
Imagine when you approach a third party to ensure that you are peaceful towards each other? Others claim maintenance from spouses they live with. What makes things reach such levels? Time Out Correspondent, Clemence Tashaya, has been talking with men and women over the past weeks to try and find out what is happening in marital relationships. And the responses have truly been disappointing with quite a number of men and women saying they have only been together because of children. When a couple comes together, it is usually because they are two consenting adults who love each other, and would like to spend time in each other’s company for as long as possible. The clergy actually teaches that children are an additional blessing but the whole story starts and ends with the man and the women in question.
The two should enjoy each other’s company and invest in building and having a relationship while also prioritising their parental roles and responsibilities. Thus it becomes disturbing when a couple stays together only for the children. What happens when they grow up? The feedback from those who claim to be in marriage only for the children sake has been disturbing. With some believing that love and marriage do not necessarily go hand in hand. Quite a number of men and women say they do not necessarily love the people they are married to anymore, but they stay to honour their obligations towards the children, acquired assets and even family and societal expectations. A wife from the leafy O B Davis location here says she will hang on because she cannot let someone else enjoy the fruits of her labour. She adds that the same applies to her husband who would also never leave her because he cannot imagine another man enjoying the wealth that they have. As a result, she says, they live separate lives having a known small house (kamboroto) and children while she enjoys luxuries others just dream of.
Some says they are only in their marriages because they cannot stomach the shame that comes from not being married. These include those with abusive partners. Some wives says they are in marriage only because they cannot make ends meet on their own without their husbands’ financial muscles. Many men say they stay on only because they care about their children otherwise they have someone else to love outside the home.
Are we saying marriage does not work anymore or that it cannot be a fun and loving place to be in? Do people not understand that marriage is a lifelong commitment? A woman even feels that marriage must come with an expiry date after five years. She adds that the reason people are cheating on each other is because after a certain number of years, the feelings of excitement and deep love just fizzles out. But is that now where the commitment aspect comes in? Should we not remind ourselves of the vows then, to forsake all others? Why should the fact that your partner’s body has changed kill all the love? Are you not growing older yourself? These are the questions men who seek to replace their women with a newer and younger version should also ask themselves?
Gratifyingly, there are some couples who still speak of the need for people to go back to seek the word of God,, and those who say marriage is the foundation of everything and couples should always focus on being a better person at individual level so that their partners can cope with being in their lives. One marriage counsellor and pastor here, Pastor Petrus Nghilinganye, says people today are getting into these relationships for all the wrong reasons with money and desperation being the key factors. Common beliefs and value systems, which would bind couples in the past, are no longer as strong as they used to be. Prayer and communication, which are necessary, have been relegated. In fact, some people are meeting via social networking platforms.
No one takes time to know the other person. It is all so fast as a result it also blows up fast. The results are what we see around us now in this world, which has been termed the “Global village”. However, all is not lost. All it takes is commitment.All we need to understand is how bad it is for the children when there is strife in the home or parents break up.
When we do this, we will realise that keeping up appearances does not work and neither does the concept of just cheating on each other while living together. Breaking up willy-nilly also does not always present the best option. Instead there is a need for couples to work on their relationships. If you can only see the negative things in your partner years later, chances are they see the same qualities in you. So both parties must give as much as they can. Relationships are just like gardens. They need work, water and manure to flourish. Therein lies the difference!