Makka Janine 

Don’t talk about how tired you are or how you can’t sleep – you don’t go to work. Don’t talk about how you aren’t in the mood to do things – you have to. What else do you want to do if you’re at home the whole day? Don’t tell us about your headaches and your sleepless nights – you don’t go through what we go through. 

You can’t be experiencing what we do – you do nothing. Don’t talk about your emotions – you’re not allowed to have any, and you’re not going through anything.

Your life is easy; you’re at home all day, and you don’t have to face the world. 

What are you talking about, you’re depressed; you feel exhausted. Stop the attention seeking – some of us are going through real things. 

You’re in the situation you are in because you chose it. Shut up; I’m tired! I don’t want to hear what goes on in your mind; you’re so manipulative. If you feel all these things, I wonder how I’m supposed to feel who goes to work every day.

Well, I didn’t want to be at home all day – doing laundry, cleaning the house and cooking. Why else do you think I finished school and went on to study? I didn’t want to be another statistic and send emails all day long, looking for jobs but not getting a response. 

I didn’t want any of this. But since I’m home, I do the laundry, cook and clean, and take the insults because I’m not supposed to feel anything. 

I’ll make myself lesser and not voice my feelings because I chose this life, or so you say. I’ll keep quiet and listen to how you blow off steam while my mind is overloaded with thoughts but I can’t let them out because they don’t matter; I’ll be misunderstood again. I’ll be the one you can depend on even though I can’t depend on you, and I’ll always sympathise with you because it will never reciprocate. 

I am extremely uncomfortable with my situation; I don’t want to be in it. I have no idea how to get out of it but I don’t give up hope. I worry about who I’ll turn out to be every day. I’m hurting every day. It’s very difficult and your version of ‘tough love’ isn’t helping the situation. 

My mind is a battlefield; I don’t need external forces attacking from the outside. I don’t want your sympathy; I want to be treated like the flawed, imperfect human that I am. I don’t want you on my team;
I want you to admit that I am allowed to fail over and over again until I succeed. 

I carry this burden every day. It is my cross to carry and who I become is up to me. 

I can only battle with myself; I don’t have the energy for any other battles. I need to focus on me and not on how to keep you happy.

I’ll go through it all and be the person I wish I had. My flame will never die even though sometimes it flickers, and through it all, I’ll always remember I do matter. 

This isn’t about you, though. It’s about my inner child, seeking validation even though I no longer need it.

- khoesebm@gmail.com