As a child growing up, I wanted things I could not have as a child, because I was a child, although I had been exposed to things that created these strange desires that at the time it didn’t feel so strange.
It was all a result of growing up around naughty older cousins who always used to be caught with men under a tree or in their bedrooms. Now, as child I wanted to be kissed, to be touched, to get married and have children, etc. It was all I thought about. I spent most of my time thinking about having a boyfriend! The boys that I liked in primary school always ended up liking the cool girl and paid me no attention. I wanted to be treated like the cool girl but no! No boy would look at me. I was very untidy and my uniform was torn and my white socks brown most of the time. I had dandruffs in my hair and my hair was always messy. Coming from a very poor background this was expected.
It did not end there. During my first year of high school I experienced the same thing. The boy I liked didn’t notice me, and instead he went for the cool girls from the rich homes, the neat and clean looking ones. I was skinny and perhaps not very good looking at the time. So at home I would spend most of my time day dreaming about being so pretty and that the boy I like would want to be with me and we would live a complicated love life with him being involved in another relationship, but wanting to be with me, he was always stuck in confusion somewhere.
And I pictured myself crying in despair at the tragedy, I imagined that I would be left in my beautiful apartment crying and a few hours later he would call me wanting to come back and I would let him. To top it off, I fed my fantasy with the kind of music that spoke to this scenario and I would ponder and sing to these songs as I imagined myself in this drama. I would listen to; “What makes her so better than me”, “Come back to me shawty”. Never for once in my life did I ever imagine myself in a loving relationship with someone who loves and wants only me. I was always the girl he left and wants to come back to. I was always the other woman. There was always another woman and he was always cheating in my dreams and fantasies, and for some reason I was always the forgiving one and the one allowing it.
On the other side of my thoughts and fantasies, I always saw myself become very successful in my future. I was always the achiever, the dreamer and the go getter. The beautiful woman with the big house and a car. In my secondary school days I saw myself on TV and I saw myself in leadership positions. In my second year of high school, when I started to clean up well and my beautiful face was now flourishing and puberty kicked in, so my beautiful slender body started to show as well as my beautiful features. I started to attract the boys I wanted, even the ones that I didn’t want and I would obviously go for the cool good looking one, the Player. And as expected I would be with him and be insecure and expect him to cheat because he was all of that and I wasn’t. After cheating on me I would expect him to come back crawling to me, crying and begging me to come back in my life and I would dump him and beg him back and be all dramatic and all that unnecessary staff. Well he came back, he came back and he left and came back again and left and the cycle would go on and on. But I would love him and only him. Chaaai! Anyway, I did end up in leadership positions in school and outside, I did a few interviews for both TV and radio. I also completed my secondary school with flying colours and went off to varsity as I imagined became the educated girl I always wanted to be. I also went on to graduate from university and got a good paying job. I fell in love with my dream guy and we had a loving relationship, it was different because he treated me like a queen, he believed in me and loved me very much. He would do things for me and listen to me. This was very strange to me because we were not fighting and there was no other woman, it was not dramatic enough, it was nothing like I imagined, this was beautifully strange?
Of course I still expected him to cheat but only this time I wouldn’t tolerate it so had to find out and deal with him accordingly. So I started digging, I began to insinuate and question his every move. I became very paranoid because I was expecting him to cheat. I told myself that there was no way he could not be cheating, it was too good to be true, he just had to be cheating, after all I am not all that. Guess what? He ended up cheating and left. I was devasted but not shocked. I expected it, I was looking for results and I found them. It was confirmed, all men cheat, they will cheat and I will never be the only girl in a man’s life just as I thought.
My point here is that, our thoughts have creating power. When I look back at the events I attracted in my journey of life today, none of them where new, they were all familiar from my thoughts back then. My life played out just the way I imagined it would. The details may not be exact, but the fact of the matter is that they are similar and they talk to each other. Think about where you are today, your way of thinking how your life turned out. They all draw back to the way you thought of yourself as a child. If you were always the victim, I’m sure you are a victim today of some sort of tragedy. If you were the evil witch that always got her way no matter what the cost, then you are probably sitting next to someone’s husband right now. You create your life with your thoughts and feelings. Whatever you think and feel creates the experiences and events that occur in your life, it creates your words, actions and reactions.
The Bible says “as a man thinketh in his heart so is he”. So as a young person I want to encourage you to start thinking positively about yourself, It doesn’t matter what your present circumstance is, think of where you want to be, how you want to be. Dream it. Imagine it every day and begin to behave in that manner. Live it. If you want to run a successful business one day, begin to think and imagine yourself in a successful business, read books that talk to that. Dream, hang around successful business men and women. Spend the entire time of the day thinking about business ideas or reading biographies of people who are successful in business today.
Only you can stop yourself. The limits you see today only exist in your head. You are the only one that can move yourself from point A to point B. Stop blaming others for things that didn’t go right. Every day that you wake up is an opportunity to make your dream come true, but you need to have a dream first. Dreaming is free, God has given each and every one of us the power to live and make our dreams come true. But take note however, that you cannot produce what you don’t have. For you to have the right thoughts (positive thoughts) you will need to feed you mind with positive words, positive pictures and you have to see a positive world. See love, feel love and live love. You need to see a possibility. There is a life out there for you. Go out and live it. Change your thoughts today.
Sesilia Nekwaya is a 23-year-old, very ambitious lady. She graduated from the University of Namibia with an Honours degree in Economics and she is currently an assistant economist at the Bank of Namibia. She love to talk about the wonderful experiences that she had in her life, the current and the past, both good and bad because she believes that someone could learn something from it.