My consultancy Difficult Unsolved Matters – Brilliant (DUMB) Solution, received a letter from a celebrity now incarcerated. He wanted to enlighten the nation about his status and tell his side of the story and overall life in Windhoek Prison and the real reason behind his imprisonment. He pleaded for anonymity. And, I will keep my word. So as not to waste any more of your time, here it is for your reading pleasure: “Fellow Namibians, I understand the incarceration has brought many debates at shebeens as to my punishment being fair or not. I want to reassure you that whether fair or not you must not fear for my safety, nor sympathize. You see, the thing is that this is all a rehabilitation programme for my upcoming fight for the championship bout I am about to tackle in the space of three years. “Ronald Winky Wright currently has my belt and I still need to get it back from him. Even so, now that he boasts on MTV base that he is the undisputed never-lost-a-fight world champion. I think you all know that I won. “As you are well aware, my form has not been quite sharp the last couple of years and my trainer advised me that I should check myself into one of those intensive-training institutions. I tried Virgin Active, even the South African High Performance Sport Science Institute, but nothing was helping. I think it was quite obvious at my bout in Katutura, when that guy, I even forget his name, tried to think he can beat me. “So I was told the “manga” is the best place to gain those rough edges. Perhaps you might ask how serious I am. People, I am very serious, so serious that I even changed my name. It’s got nothing to do with being terrible. This is done with the aim to keep a low profile whilst inside the prison. I do not want to create an atmosphere of celebrity status. Please I think Paris Hilton is suitable to do that. “For my mental psychology, I will be in a cell that is roughly 2 inches wide and 4 feet tall, with enclosed iron bars. If you can see this, it all reminds me of a Boxing ring. “One of my weaknesses was that I was always a night owl. I sincerely do hope that now that will be a thing of the past. “I’m well informed that at four every afternoon, we are sent back to our confinements and lights are switched off at seven. I could not have asked for better serenity when it comes to peace of mind. “Let me also remind you that the dietary allowances in this institution is not as bad as the public made it out to be. I have had a couple of meals and I found them quite palatable. I am convinced that my bloated stomach and the diarrhoea I have been experiencing for a while now cannot be attributed to the food. “I was made to understand that there are gangs operating in here, and I must say that I saw newspaper articles some time ago, showing weapons of sorts, but I am yet to see those. “Nonetheless, I have been quite impressed by some of my colleagues in here. They have adopted the Bible like it is their own birth certificate, so I am planning to get myself the blue Gideon’s New Testament pocket size Bible, for mental exercise whenever I am not training. Might be what I need as well. “The only thing that worries me however is the green garb uniform they gave me to wear and the veldskoene. It looks like something from Etosha National Park. Not that I am saying that wildlife rangers look like prisoners. So to rectify the problem I have arranged a meeting with the superintendent to discuss the possibility of clothing us in something quite appropriate. I trust our discussion might be fruitful. “Thank you very much for your time, I have run out of paper, and have to wait for tomorrow to trade in my two slices of bread for some toiletries and more paper to write to you. Should you be interested in writing to me, please my address can be found at the DUMB solution or Sorry Ngo, they will advise you how to write directly to me.” Note these comments are directly made by our clients and as such DUMB Solutions, or Sorry Ngo, cannot be held liable or solicited for any information. We respect the right of our client to remain anonymous. Thank you management Sorry Ngo, incorporating DUMB Solutions. Sorry Ngo.