In light of World AIDS day that was marked last weekend, New Era took to the streets of Walvis Bay to find out what the community had to say about the pandemic that has become a major problem at this harbour town. Most residents noted that the way people conduct their relationships is mainly to blame for the current state of affairs. CHARLES TJATINDI reports.
WALVIS BAY – Two people seated closely together on a park bench smile as they look deeply into each other’s eyes – their hands touching lightly. Another scene just down the road depicts a similar setting with two people, seemingly a couple, walking leisurely while holding hands.
This is a common sight throughout Walvis Bay, a happy town. Not really – says those residing here.
These scenes are limited to a selected few that have managed to make their relationships work. The majority, according to the residents of Walvis Bay, are constantly struggling to make their relationships work, and often end up in separation or even worse.
A closer analysis reveals that this scenario is not limited to the harbour town, but appears to be a common phenomenon everywhere else in Namibia.
Relationships in Namibia are generally the main source of unhappiness. Many regard relationships as unsafe and burdensome. Others feel their partners demand the impossible from them. Whatever the concern however, everyone seems to agree that making a relationship work requires a lot of hard work – and a bit of luck.
The Dating Game
In various interviews with New Era, and although coming from different backgrounds and status in society, many people painted a similar picture of their respective relationships – it is a battle in which only the fittest, or as in this case, the more patient survives.
Christa Hoeses, a 15-year-old from Walvis Bay, said being in a steady relationship is very unsafe. Although she is yet to get into a steady relationship given her age, she feels she has seen enough from her older friends and sisters to deduce that relationships are an unhappy affair.
“I know I have to get involved in a steady relationship at one time or the other as I grow up, but I am very scared. Guys appear to be breaking ladies’ hearts at any moment they choose to,” she noted.
She has also seen how her friends fell prey to teenage pregnancies from their usually older boyfriends, only to be abandoned afterwards.
“Guys impregnate you, and then run away. They would tell you nice things just to have sex with you. After that they are gone forever,” she said.
Her older friends have different types of problems to handle. Eighteen-year-old Frieda Shifundo maintains that she will never go into a relationship again. She relates how she was involved with a man who had promised her the world only to get into her heart, and break it at the earliest chance.
“They would be the most polite and caring persons when they are proposing [for a relationship] to you. Once you take him, and you have your first sexual encounter, everything just changes. All of a sudden, the romance is gone, and there are countless excuses why he can’t see you,” she said.
Others like Julia Endjala, 26, feels that men promise things that they cannot deliver at the end of the day.
“A man would give you flowers, chocolates and take you to the most amazing places. In that way, he gets into your heart. You just get attracted to the honest nature and maturity of the guy, not knowing that he is just putting up an act,” she noted.
When the Love Ends …
Another major problem that seems to be breaking relationships and driving partners apart is unfaithfulness in a relationship or cheating on a partner. Although no one could come up with a fixed suggestion on how to deal with the problem, many women admitted that it is a big problem in their respective relationships.
The men on the other hand felt that cheating has become ‘part of life’, and will continue as long as relationships exist.
“Cheating is part of life. It will be there forever. All women need a man, but we are few…a man can therefore not be limited to one woman only. Who will serve the other women if we all stick to one partner,” asked Mathew Shaanika, aged 35.
Others feel that unfaithfulness results from not loving the person you are involved with. Just as one can fall in love without any cause or reason attached, the same applies to falling out of love, came the reasoning.
“It happens. You just find that the same things that used to attract you to the person are the ones that are pushing you further and further away from the person. It is not fair on your partner…but it happens,” noted Lucia Awases, a 29-year-old from Swakopmund.
For Wilibard Kamati, women would tend to become unfaithful to their partners when they do not get sexual satisfaction in their current relationships.
“If you do not satisfy your partner sexually, she will look for someone else to make her feel loved. Women will not say anything because they are afraid to break our egos.
They would just silently start another sexual affair on the side – just to get the satisfaction that is missing from your relationship with her,” he said.
“Definitely, if I am not satisfied sexually, I will leave him. It is better than faking that I am enjoying sex,” said a woman who preferred to identify herself as Michelle.
“I know of a friend of mine who has never enjoyed sex with her boyfriend for three years now. She just keeps on faking it…I will not be able to do that,” she continues.
Surviving Long-Distance Relationships
Long distances also seem to bear the blame for the consequent break-ups of relationships. Many people interviewed related that being involved in a long-distance relationship can be tough at times, as one often tends to miss the person’s presence a lot.
The unavailability of such person at that given moment in time, could lead the one partner to find someone else – strictly for ‘companionship’, it emerged.
Sadly however, the companionship quickly develops into something more intimate as trust and friendship grow between the two people.
Soon, this relationship would have developed into a fully-fledged love affair, with the distant partners of these two people clearly oblivious of the happenings behind their distant backs.
For many of those that have been the victims of such circumstances, their trust for their partners could never be restored.
According to them, their partners have broken that trust and no amount of apologies or remorse will win it back.
As Lucia Awases puts it, building up trust after being betrayed by someone you love can take years – or even worse, eternity.
“When you trust someone, you give your whole life to that person. You give the person your trust, you share your most intimate secrets with him…you just feel so comfortable around the person. All of these can change in a matter of seconds when that trust is betrayed,” she noted.
Many believe that a long-distance relationship can only depend on the trust and the commitment of the two partners to each other. When one is committed enough, you do not even have the urge to look at another partner. Your life just seems complete, and you merely see other women as sisters or colleagues, and nothing more. These are the views of 47-year-old Gottfried Kavari, who has been married for more than 20 years.
“The time will come when you will have eyes for one woman – just one special woman. For some people, it comes early, others have to encounter a lot of disappointment, hurt, deceit and betrayal from their concubines before realizing that the love of his life has always been patiently waiting for his return and never went anywhere,” he said.
“That is the secret of surviving a long-distance relationship – trust and value your partner. She deserves that much from you,” said Kavari.
The Secrets
Communication or the lack thereof was named by many as the main cause of confusion and discomfort in relationships. Many believe that when partners are not open with one another about their feelings, expectations and dislikes – such a relationship does not survive. Women feel that men never share their feelings with them, while men feel women complain too much.
While men may regard it as a sign of weakness to reveal their emotions, many women actually appreciate a man that is open to talk about his shortcomings, said women. It was noted that most of the physical and emotional abuse that is prevalent in most relationships has to do with lack of communication.
The barriers limiting communication were identified as lack of self-esteem to accept positive criticism, dominance of one partner over the other in a relationship, and obsession or extreme fear of losing the other partner.
In order to limit these barriers, issues of respect and taking responsibility in a relationship were also listed as some finer secrets to make relationships work.
“You have to respect your partner. Once that is done, all other things will just fall into place,” noted Emily Hamukwaya.
Such is the story of relationships in Namibia. As for the residents of the harbour town of Walvis Bay that have had to go through thick and thin to save their relationships, their only hope lies in the sun rising and producing much needed warmth the next day, before another foggy day emerges.