Last month was Men’s Mental Health Month, and as expected, the conversations were everywhere, but men frequented settings. During this time, someone said something to me that stuck with me: Women don’t provide safe spaces for men to be vulnerable. I nearly rolled my eyes, but I thought, why not address it? When you first hear it, it truly sounds valid. However, when you think about it and dig deeper, you realise that the issue isn’t whether women provide safe spaces or not, but that the concept of safe spaces for men doesn’t exist in most of the male circles we know. And somehow, the responsibility for emotional safety has once again been placed on the backs of women. In many ways, most men have found solace in being seen as strong, tough and unshaken. As much as this identity has become an armour, it has also become a trap. Because the moment that same man needs softness, safety, or comfort, the first place he turns to is a woman. And not just any woman, usually a romantic partner. Why? Because women are seen as naturally nurturing, and they are expected to listen, hold, absorb and eventually fix what they didn’t even break. I do not have a problem with this notion and belief; however, what makes me angry is the fact that most men have turned women into rehabilitation centres. Not partners, not peers, but emotional hospitals. You come when you’re hurting. You open up only when your world is falling apart. You ask for care without context. You want to be held, but refuse to do the inner work. That’s not healing. That’s emotional dependency, and we need to do away with it. We, as women, have spent years building circles of support. We attend seminars, we host healing brunches, we read, journal and cry together. We name our pain and still show up to do the work. The “safe space” women have it didn’t fall from the sky. It was built, over time, with intention. Where is that same intention in men’s circles? How often do you hear your male friends check in on each other with more than just “Sharp?” or “You good?” How many men have friends they can cry in front of without fear of being mocked or called weak? 

If the answer is “not many,” then that’s the real problem. The absence of emotional infrastructure among men has nothing to do with women. It’s not our fault that your circle is silent when you’re suffering. It’s not our job to teach you how to feel. Healing is not about being held when it’s convenient. It’s about doing the internal labour. It’s about showing up for yourself before you ask someone else to. Do women want to support men in their healing? Yes. But we can’t do that if men don’t first support themselves. As such, it’s important for men to know that they can’t outsource the work or bypass accountability. 

Healing is not a gift you ask for. It’s a responsibility you take on. 

*Frieda Mukufa’s lifestyle section in the New Era concentrates on women-related issues and parenting. She also specialises in editing research proposals, proof reading and content creation. – etuhol e f r ieda@ gmail.com