Rudolf Gaiseb

Over the past few years, divorce rates in Namibia have been skyrocketing. In 2018, it was reported that nearly 1 297 divorces were finalised in Windhoek.

About 1 422 cases were filed the following year, of which approximately 862 were finalised.

It is mental health activist Ngajozikue Kavikairiua’s fervent position that the alarming divorce rates are attributable to selfish individual interests among couples who enter these unions “to get something out it.”

He made these remarks at a relationship seminar held at the Namibian College of Open Learning on Saturday.

The seminar was organised by Uvangaija Kaloko Uapingene, a community activist and deputy secretary general of the Protestant Unity Church (Oruuano).

“People get married for money and status. They enter (marriage) with an attitude of, ‘What can I get out of this?’ instead of, ‘How can I better serve my partner?’ … When the case is ‘what can they bring to the table,’ or ‘what can they do for me?’, as soon as the marriage hits a barrier where this person cannot provide as expected, people walk away because their basis for getting married was to gain benefits,” Kavikairiua advanced. 

He continued: “If we start looking at marriages with an attitude to serve our partners, we help each other grow. And that means the chances of divorce lessen because the marriage is not based on selfishness.”

He added: “The principle of marriage, whether we want it or not, is a Christian principle. American legislation on marriage, which most of the world’s legislation mirrors, including Namibia, is written from a biblical standpoint.

“Therefore, the principle of marriage remains whether you’re a Christian or not. If we want to build a long-lasting relationship, a long-lasting marriage, that essentially serves both of us equally, we should apply these principles.”

“Sometimes it is not going to be
equal, but at the end of the day, the target is to grow each other and grow together. The main reason for me to get married is to provide infrastructure, security, health and emotion, which leads to mental health. The purpose of the union is the glory of God.”

Dating, healing 

Alongside diverse speakers during the seminar aimed at proving a deeper understanding of issues related to dating, courtship, and marriage, Kavikairiua also dissected the importance of healing and forgiveness after a breakup.

“You had hopes and dreams when you met the person you broke up with. You cannot ignore or wash away these broken dreams. You must grieve all the broken aspects of your past relationships. If you do not grieve, you are holding onto past hurts, and later you end up hurting the people who don’t mean you any harm because of trauma, brokenness or bitterness. Therefore, to have healthy relationships, it is important to heal from past hurts; grieving essentially means letting go.”

Speaking on conflict resolution and repairing situations, Cinthy Rhodia said: “Identify what is important, why are you fighting about the things you are fighting about, and does it matter in the long run?

“Will it take our relationship forward, or is it a personal thing? Find out what triggers you by having a good relationship with yourself. And understand what upsets you, the reason it upsets you, and the consequence of these needs not being met. If it’s worth the fight, then have a healthy way of addressing it, manage your tone, and be respectful. Don’t shun someone just because they disagree with you,” Rhodia said.

Rhodia added: “If you are in a romantic relationship with someone, you should value their opinion. Humble yourself, and be open-minded to understand your partner. The best relationships are those where people are selfless to consider where the other person is coming from, even if it does not make sense to them.”

Meanwhile, VK Life Coaching’s neuro-linguistic programmer Valencia Katjipuka pondered the importance of individuality and emotional stability in relationships.

“Although the goal is to be a unit, before entering a marital partnership, it is important to embrace individualism, which includes self-awareness, values and beliefs. It is important to understand that you are a different person, having boundaries, and knowing that there are things the other person can do for you, and things only you can do for yourself. The aim of complementing each other with qualities you both possess should not be completed by our partners,” Katjipuka said. 

She continued: “Heartbreak, hurt
and wounds were acquired from our past, and upbringing buffered self-discovery. This blocks you from becoming an independent individual, and you want your partner to fill these gaps.”

In a marriage with two people who have successfully attained individualism, there is security, value, and vision, she said.

“It is not a one-sided marriage; there is balance. No one person is worn out or taken advantage of. It is a healthy marriage where couples carry and nurture each other, adding value to each other,” Katjipuka added.

She then acknowledged that “emotions are part of human nature, and that’s how humans are wired and made. Therefore, it is important to know, understand and know how to regulate them so they can coexist with other people. If you are a parent, knowing how to self-regulate emotions will help your child do the same.”

The seminar took place at a time the divorce bill was the talk of town.

Tabled by Justice Minister Yvonne Dausab, the bill seeks to consolidate and reform an outdated law concerning divorces related to civil marriages in the country. The current law is said to be cumbersome, as making allegations about a spouse’s conduct within matrimonial proceedings to legally dissolve a marriage has been shown to create or exacerbate conflict in already-difficult circumstances.

At the heart of the proposed legislation is protecting the privacy of spouses during certain legal proceedings, which at times forces them to defame each other. 

Amid the storm, relationship experts opine that divorce should always be the last resort to preserve the sanctity of marriage. –rrgaiseb@gmail.com