There’s nothing as embarrassing and painful as a mistimed dive into a body of water, causing you to land flat on your stomach: belly flopping.
It hurts, you can trust me on that, although it’s extremely funny to watch. The confident run-up, the Baywatch dive, and the tsunami-like splash as the person lands and swallows a bucket full of water.
Life as an adult is pretty much a continuous cycle of diving into situations, because there are no life-jackets, so it’s either sink or swim. To help you survive your existence in the grown-up world, here’s my top 10 ways to avoid belly flopping as an adult.
Adulting: verb, meaning to do adult things, such as having an eight-to-five job (or something like that), paying rent or mortgage and having actual responsibilities. Basically, it can be summed up in Nike apparel’s slogan: “Just do it”.
Avoiding adulting belly flops:
Don’t take life advice from that cousin who thinks Tassenberg is a good wine.
Don’t pursue a master’s degree or equivalent postgraduate qualification with less than two years’ industry experience. Career suicide is an actual thing. Companies will treat you like a bastard child.
Don’t get too comfortable. You have a job, live on your own and send your mother money. You think you’re adulting? Muatje zako! The stakes have been raised. The Adulting Control Board (ACB) have passed new entry level requirements: pay your taxes like a Lannister pays his debts; save and invest (NEEF is about to be passed, so own more shares than shoes!); have a set of plates that break; and own a wine opener. I’ve been reliably informed that in 2017, owning a credit card will be added to the list.
Buy a f***ing couch! When you go hunting and successfully catch one, have some place for your prey to sit down, which is not the cooler box, or your dishevelled bed. Have some semblance of domesticity and always make sure there is Oros in your dwelling. It is widely known that “A house without Oros, is not a home”.
Wrap it, before you tap it. Accidents happen, that’s a fact. Don’t let them happen to you. Accidental parenthood is the statistically the most common belly flop, followed by the financially unaffordable German hatchback and the miscalculated marriage. Children are a blessing, but unplanned children are not cost-effective. The price of nappies will literally have you questioning your own name.
Don’t be culinary incompetent. There are individuals out there, who claim to be adulting, but can’t even boil an egg. Don’t be one of them. No one is saying that it is a pre-requisite for adults to be able to cook a three-course meal (at least not yet), however, any self-respecting adult should be able to whip up more than just an imitation of Omellete du Fromage.
Avoid political apathy. You should be woke when it comes to politics and current affairs, no one is asking you to take on Job Amupanda in a debate, neither are we asking you to be a card-carrying song singer. Just be informed enough about the Plat du Jour of current affairs, at least enough to fake a deep conversation about nation-building.
Education never stops, it is a lifelong process. It doesn’t end after after graduation. So, educate yourself, watch educational videos, take short courses, etc.
Now that you have the ‘X years of experience’ that guarantee you can find another job, go and study for that master’s degree. Take the next step in your professional development, don’t get bogged down and stagnate.
Invest more in yourself than you do in making Namibia Breweries’ profits skyrocket.
Don’t saddle yourself with bad debt. Don’t be that adult who only sees their salary for 24 hours – if at all. Learn three things: live within your means. As we say: tseya oluhepo lwaayeni (know the poverty of your house)
You can’t help everybody; don’t save for the sake of saving (you’re just delaying the inevitable). Enough said.
Have life insurance, because death does not make appointments and the way the statistics are right now, everytime you get into a car it could be the last time anyone sees you alive.
Til next time, stay out of trouble.