WINDHOEK – Ti abotse! Mukuru uandje! Kalunga kange! It’s confirmed that we are a nation of dronkies. Not that we
are shocked or surprised – as we knew this all along.
It’s just that now it has been confirmed
in black and white that we suip like fish and have no skaamte and easily brag about how much alcohol
we can consume. It’s no wonder we even post photos of our drinking escapades on our Facebook pages and think it’s cool to have a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand as though it has become the
next best thing since sliced bread.
Okha, how did we get here? Out of 54 African countries, how did we reach the top five country in terms of our huge thirst for omeya jamururu (alcohol) with a population of only
two million?
But I am sure that most suiplapies would agree to this list of reasons why Namibians look deep
into the bottle. We need urgent help from our doctors,
priests, psychologists, sangomas, and social workers and even from rehabilitation centres please.
1. ‘The German beer-drinking tradition is in us’
The Germans with their Reinheits Gebot did not only leave mulatto kids and their army uniforms here, they also brought the beer-drinking tradition. We don’t know exactly how and when it started. It could have been somewhere after World War II.
2. ‘The heat is too much’
We love drinking to cool off. The drought is hitting us hard and it’s so bleddie hot. Cooldrink and water can’t quench the thirst like a lekke cold 061.
3. ‘We want to be the ‘last man standing’
For some reason we admire those who drink a lot of alcohol, don’t get visibly drunk, stay up all night
or sunrise for two days in a row without sleeping. We associate that with power. I mean where else in the world do they have ‘powerful’ people who can compete with us and drink bottles and bottles of Richelieu in a night and still stand on one leg?
4. ‘We love to celebrate every little achievement’
We could care less whether you passed Grade 1 or got a PhD, as long as something was
achieved, there is always a reason to celebrate… and drink. That is why we find it offensive when
tourists come here and find it shocking when they see us going on a road trip with lots of
booze. I mean, what kind of trip is fun without picking up a few papkanne of wine at
Uukwamatsi from the Singles Quarters?
5. ‘We are jobless’
We nurse our sorrows in alcohol because that is the only way to deal with our misery. Don’t
ask us where we get the moola. We have mastered the skill of begging and could open a
zula school – only if the government would consider that. Fridge salesmen in Iceland got nothing on us.
6. ‘Closing cuca shops too early’
We hate the new laws that make cuca shops close too early, but that doesn’t stop
us from drinking. We just drink double now so that by the time the shebeens close we have
outdone ourselves. As if that’s not enough, we become resourceful, even crying crocodile tears to be allowed in a closed shebeen after hours.
7. ‘Alcohol is healthy’
We have heard in some reports that alcohol is healthy for your heart and blood pressure even
though we cannot confirm whether that is a fact or hogwash. As long as it was in the newspapers, we believe.
8. ‘We love socialising’
With Dutch courage we build confidence and courage in the most challenging and intimidating circumstances after
a few drinks. How else do you expect us to speak to some people under
normal circumstances when they think they walk on eggs?
9. ‘We are bored’
There is hardly anything to do after work or school. We are not crazy about going to the theatre, going
for long walks, to museums, art galleries or musicals – we have done enough of that when we
were kids.
10. ‘It makes us feel rich’
Lastly, we love to drink because it makes us feel rich, especially when there are nice looking kamborotos and kambeskitis. Even though there is only water and strawberry jam left in our fridge after the 5th of every month, the world doesn’t need to know.
Now that you have heard why we have turned into a nation of dronkies, please help us to
overcome our suip gewoontes before this Christmas. Sorry Ngo!
By Magreth Nunuhe