Research indicates that our past negative experiences subconsciously predisposed us to specific partners romantically – meaning we attract a certain type. When we observe we’ll notice that there’s likely a connecting threat, a pattern among our past and current partners. Notoriously, in some households guidelines aren’t given on how to communicate, behave or treat our partners; we operate from what is a norm for us, based on our upbringing and what we have witnessed. As a result, our communication styles and behaviours when in relationships with others can become unhealthy, which could lead to toxicity. As mentioned, in the previous article, there’s a form of control and manipulation in a toxic relationship on a daily basis, and there’s usually a giver and a receiver – power dynamics. Power dynamics are common in most relationships, however, in toxic relationships, the abuse is ongoing with extreme emotional and physical exhaustion as opposed to normal relationships.
Authors T.L Cory and C. Platt (2022) have identified the following types of toxic partners: The belittlers – partners who are constantly diminishing your self-esteem by belittling you every opportunity they get.
Whatever, your express, your beliefs, ideas, and wants are seen as silly or stupid. Over a period of time you’re likely to believe what they say about you.
The “bad temper” toxic partners – are people who often display anger outbursts and uncontrolled rage that instils fear in their partners.
Often people on the receiving end in this context may feel like they’ve to constantly “walk on eggshells”.
The guilt inducers – individuals who are likely to make their partners feel guilty for doing something they’re not approving of. With this type of partner, one only needs to do what is pleasing to them, then the relationship is guilt-free.
The overreactors /deflectors – partners whose behaviour you call out or expressed your unhappy feelings towards, and instead of acknowledging their actions they’ll blame you. You’ll end up apologising to them and comforting them when it’s supposed to be the other way around.
The over-dependant partners – individuals who by choice don’t make any decisions, leaving all the decision making and responsibility of arranging things to you. However, when a mistake arises or they don’t like your choices they’re likely going to act passive-aggressive towards you for instance ignoring you.
These type of relationships generates a lot of anxiety for the receiving partner.
The independent toxic controller – are people who make you feel uncertain in relationships; you’re never sure if they’re committed to you. For instance, they tend to make plans and never show up, almost making it impossible for you to make other plans.
The users – are people who are charming and usually very nice in the beginning but soon you’ll notice that whatever you do is not enough.
One-way relationships where you’re good enough as long you give them what they want, but you’re also easily replaceable once they find someone who can offer more. The possessive controllers – partners who are excessively jealous, clouded by paranoia with no freedom of individuality in the relationships.
These settings likely lead to GBV, such as intimate partner homicide.
In conclusion, subconscious attraction doesn’t imply that we remain forever bound to the type of people we are connected to, we have a choice to break free even in the most difficult circumstances. Leaving is usually the healthier option.
Justine /Oaes (Clinical Psychologist Intern)
– oaesjustine@gmail.com