You are just settling down to start studying. You have planned exactly what you would like to cover during your study session this evening, and are feeling highly motivated and focused.
“At last, you think, “I will be able to cover the section of work without any interruptions.” Just then, there is a knock at the door. A friend asks if you would, as a special favour, go to a meeting with her. You get a sinking feeling. You really wanted this time to study, but this is one of your closest friends! What do you do? Do you choose your friendship or studies?
We’ve all had the experience of needing to assert ourselves in different situations. But when it comes to your studies, being assertive is difficult because others do not necessarily regard your studies as a priority in your life.
In this article, I hope to give you some guidelines that may help you pinpoint your studies and improve your skills in direct, honest and appropriate communication so that you can state your point of view when you need to.
What do we mean by “assertiveness”? Self-assertion usually begins with saying “I am”.
It is a hard thing for many of us to say. Assertiveness means thinking, saying and acting on the fact things, especially if we are serious about our studies.
We need time to study.
We need a fairly quiet place to study.
We need support from our family and friends, especially concerning the timing of social commitments. It is important that we be assertive without infringing on the rights of others and feel comfortable about our behaviour.
When being assertive about your studies or other situations, two elements come into play: verbal behaviour (your choice of words and phrases); and language (your choice of gestures, body posture and facial expression).
These two elements are what others observe about you, and will influence their response to you. It is important to emphasise that assertive behaviour is not cold and unfeeling.
The point is that you have a choice as to how to express those feelings, or whether to express them at all. You can, for example, express your feelings in an aggressive way, by blaming others, using sarcasm, or using a scolding tone of voice.
If you are unassertive and try to please people all the time, you will probably direct your feelings inwards, making you feel guilty and perhaps leading to depression.
You may feel guilty and blame yourself for something, even if you were not responsible. Instead, you could express your feelings openly in an appropriate way – this is being assertive.
It means saying how you feel in an honest, direct way. If you do not say what you feel, you will probably “show” it in your non-verbal behaviour.
Non-assertiveness is a protective behaviour and defensive strategy, and includes gestures and phrases associated with an unassertive style, which is also defensive and protective.
A non-assertive person says, in effect, he or she will let someone else decide what will happen next.
Being assertive means letting others known how important our studies are to us, and how high a priority we give to our studies.
This lets us to make our own choices: we are not allowing others to act for us. To act is to be assertive. Non-assertiveness can begin a very negative cycle.
Let’s take an example:
You get an assignment back from your lecturer with a lower grade on it than you feel the paper deserves. If we go along with the lecturer’s evaluation without question or discussion, we may acquire a whole new set of doubts. If we are non-assertive, we deny ourselves, and do not express our real feelings.
We leave it to someone else to decide what will happen to us, and we may never reach our desired goals.
This puts an unnatural and uncomfortable burden on our interpersonal communications. How do we know how others feel, unless they are willing to tell us? Interpersonal communication should not be a game. Assertive behaviour reduces game-playing, and makes interpersonal communication more effective.
Assertive behaviour, unlike aggressive behaviour, is self-enhancing because it shows firmness and a purposeful striving towards a goal.
Being assertive means you face up to the situation directly and openly, and carefully choosing the right words to describe what you are thinking or feeling.
We are healthily assertive when we allow others to complete their thoughts before we speak, stand up for the position that matches our feelings, face up to problems and decisions about time management, and consider ourselves strong and capable, equal to others.
As truly assertive people, we can openly reveal our thoughts and feelings about issues in our learning environment. We need to communicate our desires and needs for our studies openly, directly, honestly and appropriately.
We go after what we want, and make things happen. We act in a way that we ourselves can respect. We also realise that we cannot always fully control our time schedule, and that sometimes we need to be flexible and understanding.
You must take responsibility for your own studies and what views to hold about your studies.
This does not happen at once, and you make take a while to adjust to even distance learning. Nevertheless, your target is eventually to become an independent student. By becoming more aware of your own behaviour, what kinds of behaviour you can choose to use and what response that behaviour may cause, you can gradually modify your behaviour to suit different situations, improve relationships and gain greater successes in life.
Take charge of your own studying – your community needs you.
(Reverend Jan A Scholtz is the former chairperson of the //Kharas Regional Council and former !Nami#nus constituency councillor. He is a holder of a Diploma in Theology, B-Theo (SA), a Diploma in Youth Work and Development from the University of Zambia (UNZA), Diploma in Education III (KOK), and a BA (HED) from UNISA.