Waking up was harder than usual; my feet slowed and my pace lost a few strides. I was getting on by doing what I need to do, but every single day I could feel a part of me die inside at the mountain I felt weighing me down. My emotions would spiral out of control and I would fight the feeling.
Making sure that I had a hold on them, so when I felt a breakdown coming, I would push the tears down under the surface and put on some makeup in hope to feel better. I would, for the day, and then later in the evening, the feeling will be back and I will tell myself, ain’t nobody got time for this child. We have things to do and tasks to complete. The further down I pressed the feelings, the more I robbed myself of the opportunity to truly look at what was bothering me. I was walking around with a mountain and chip on my shoulder, and it was almost as though I was swatting away an irritating fly; I would carry on.
This proved a few things:
1. I thought I was invincible and feelings were petty.
2. I did not trust myself enough to allow myself to cry and know I will be okay on the other side.
3. I robbed myself of an opportunity to understand what was truly going on the inside of me.
4. I was looking at life through a tainted reflection.
5. I was not okay, and I knew it, but I pushed on in the name of strength.
Here is what is wrong with that:
1. When you do not deal with what is going on the inside of you, you allow it to fester and affect other areas of your life.
2. When you don’t trust yourself enough to be honest with yourself, you end up seeking comfort in all the wrong places.
3. The misconstrued belief of strength has crippled you to the point where you can’t even be weak for a moment to allow yourself to get better.
4. You walk around with a mountain of emotions that can be dealt with in one good cry, or one good conversation with a friend to put things into perspective.
5. Thinking and believing tears are a sign of weakness, takes away a chance to unburden your heart.
We walk around life with our chins so high like our noses are bleeding, believing we just need to push through. We just need to get through this one time and all will be well. The irony is in that as soon as you are finished fighting one battle, the next one is waiting at the door. So, when do you catch your break if you keep running from yourself and what you feel in the name of strength? How then, can you have a healthy mental life if you continuously push relevant feelings and fears under the surface?
When you walk around with a smile that does not reach your eyes because you simply won’t take the time out to do introspection and figure out why you feel the way you do to ensure you can work towards a solution.
You cannot begin to unload the burden you walk around with until you admit to stare it straight in the eyes and deal with it. The truth is many of us are not okay and yet, we simply shoulder what we have to and keep it moving.
How about you stop long enough to check in with yourself? Not because you want to throw a pity party but because you truly want to know, ‘am I okay?’ If not, what is wrong? Imagine the breath of fresh air you will be able to take if you would ask yourself the question you are dying to have someone ask you.
Are you okay?
* Mavis Braga Elias is a writer. Find her on www.mavisbraga.com