I FEEL many women do not realise their true value or how much potential they have – so much so that they simply waste themselves on petit issues.
Just last weekend I had a conversation with a young woman whom I met for the first time.
I had accompanied a friend to the Katutura State Hospital and as one would expect during an end-of-the-month weekend, the queues were awfully long that it took hours before my friend could be attended to.
The queues to the emergency pharmacy (it was in the evening) were just as long, and you can only imagine how tormenting this must be for patients after waiting for hours to be attended to by a doctor, and considering that some walked long distances from places like Havana and Babylon as was the story of the young lady I met. So the hospital was full of people with different cases, from stab wounds to accident and assault injuries, and the list is endless.
The girl who initially seemed not so friendly when I first asked her where the queue ends later turned out to be a ‘good pal’, opening up and sharing her burden with me, a fellow woman.
Although I could not tell from her neat appearance that she lives in Havana informal settlement she started telling me how she had not eaten the entire day despite being visibly pregnant.
She went on to say “some guys, no, they don’t appreciate a good woman.” Curious to hear where the conversation was going though I had an idea I asked, “Ee (yes) why do you say so?”
She went on to tell how her boyfriend, the father of her two children including her unborn baby has mistreated her all the years since her first pregnancy.
She shared how she literally took care of the man despite them not living together, this ranging from house chores, spending money on him that she should send to her dear mother in the north and also spend on her children.
“All he does is complain that I am not good enough and that I nag all the time. The only time he is really good to me is when he wants me to give or lend him money and he rarely does the same – and when he wants to have sex with me. I don’t know what to do anymore and even now that I am pregnant he keeps seeing other women and I always find out somehow.” I looked at her and without saying anything for a second I thought to myself ‘this is a sensitive issue to advise somebody on as I do not have all the facts despite what she shared’.
I wondered whether to interrogate her further to get more answers but then I thought that might just hurt her without offering a solution and so I blatantly asked her what she was still doing in such a relationship after all those years if there is no change.
I told her that from what she told me it does not look like he adds any value to her life and that he is a burden contributing to her many existing problems.
“I love him and we have been together for so many years. And he is my children’s father,” she said.
The conversation continued until we changed the topic after I gave her my own honest opinion.
That conversation left me thinking how many women, young and old are out there who undermine themselves so much that all that occupies their minds is how much they cannot live without a man simply because he is their child or children’s father or because they have been together for many years.
Often they put their needs ahead of their so-called partners despite the obvious signs that he couldn’t care less whether or not you are happy.
I am of the view that a woman should not base her entire life and focus on a man. It is better to be a single mother of seven children than to be in an unhealthy relationship that adds no value to the woman’s life and no matter how bad the woman’s past is she can still have a bright future is she so wishes.
Finally, my message to women who feel their lives are doomed simply because they were mistreated by men – with counselling and the right company you can make it in life and take note that good men do exist, sometimes all it takes is waiting while building your character and life so that with or without a man, you are still complete and independent. – Eewa
BY Alvine Kapitako