We often desire to be loved by others, and to love others. Very rarely do we desire to love ourselves. When we are unable to love ourselves, we are void of knowing our worth.
As a result, we accept what we think is our worth based on others’ perceptions or treatment of us. This perceived perception of our worth is measured constantly in our friendships, family and romantic as well as work relationships. We continuously keep on pouring into these relationships often from an empty cup because we believe, in most cases, that love only extends to others and flows in from others.
Seeing that this month is proclaimed for love, many of us have bought gifts for our loved ones. For some, the love may be reciprocated, for others, the efforts may not yield anticipated outcomes. When our expectations are not reciprocated, it may be interpreted as being unloved, unworthy or unappreciated. However, crucial to note is that people have the autonomy to decide whom they want to share their love with because we don’t own people. Although this may be unsettling, it will eventually lead to introspection, which inadvertently will divert the focus towards the self, forging self-understanding and self-love.
Jeffrey Borenstein describes self-love as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support your physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love involves taking care of your own needs, and not sacrificing your well-being to please others”. Hence, loving the self is not a selfish act, and neither does it remove from loving others or receiving love. It simply requires you to invest in yourself so that you can give from a place of abundance and not feel exhausted, rejected or hurt when others choose not to respond to your love.
We can show love to the self as per Dr. Kristen Neff through avoiding negative self-talk – speaking positively to the self; creating personal rituals such as exercising or meditating; setting healthy boundaries – not always being a yes-person by protecting your time and energy; being compassionate to the self – acknowledging when you’re not doing well and being kind to the self; and making space for self-reflection – regularly thinking about your experiences and challenges to foster growth. This can be done through journaling.
Scientific benefits of self-love are:
Better mental health
More self-acceptance
Higher self-esteem
More motivation
Stronger determination
Increased self-awareness
Less anxiety
Better sleep
In essence, when we love ourselves, we teach others how to love us and therefore, we can love them in the same manner as we love ourselves. In the words of Miley Cyrus “you can buy yourself flowers, you can take yourself dancing, because you can love yourself better than anyone can”.
*Justine /Oaes (Licenced Clinical Psychologist) oaesjustine@gmail.com