By Hilma Ndapewa Mbandeka
WINDHOEK-Spending time with your children maybe challenging at times, as we may not have enough time on our hands. However it is important that we do so. Quality time simply means spending time doing an activity which is meaningful to the parent and the child. Here, one needs to focus their attention to the other person and communicate to each other about how they feel and what is happening in their lives. This does not only affirm ones roles in the other person’s life but also nurtures emotional bonding, understanding, respect and the love between the parent and child. Physical presence doesn’t equate to quality time; if you are at home watching TV, or reading a newspaper with your children around, it doesn’t mean you are paying attention to your children. Quality time then would mean refocusing your energy entirely on your children. This could be in the form of playing with them, bathing them or telling them how much you have missed or love them. Parents need to allow children to have their moment where it is all about them, as research has proven also that there are many advantages from spending quality time with our children.
Quality time has evolved over the years and parents seemed to spend more time with their children then, than nowadays. Previously, the livelihood of African parents concentrated on crop and stock farming as well as merchandising. A typical African family then; consisted of a mother, father and a number of children. Their typical day consisted of working as a family unit, where the children went to school and would come home to join the family.
In the evening, the family gets together as a family unit for supper after which they sit around the fire for storytelling. This was seen as the highlight of a normal family’s day as the children would have the opportunity to spend time with the adults in a more relaxed and less formal manner. Here, children were allowed to ask questions regarding their family history, which was seen as their family gathering where they would show intimacy towards one another. This platform was also used by parents to discuss any discipline issues as well communicate to the children about the next day’s activities.
In those days, quality time was honoured and every family had a way of illustrating this; however with modernisation and technology there comes a change and the ‘new age’ opinion on everything which includes the family unit. Today, life is on the fast lane and technology is parachuting. People are more career driven, with the aim of either being very successful or making ends meet. Many family units suffer because of this, especially the children.
In this age most parents barely spend time at home ,let alone with their children. These days, children are either in crèches or have nanny’s to take care of them in the absence of their parents. In worst case scenarios, by the time parents arrive home the children are asleep and only greet them the next morning and the whole cycle starts all over again. In other cases, especially with single successful parents, because of responsibilities such as travelling and sharing responsibilities alone, they never have enough time to pay attention to their child’s needs. This causes many children to adopt unhealthy behavioural patterns such as watching television or internet surfing. And oblivious to the parents, this is the time that children are exposed to very damaging material, especially on the television and internet as they are left unsupervised. In other case scenarios you find parents who bring work home and because of work deadlines and work pressure, they mainly concentrate on work than their children. In most modern homes they have ‘quick fix foods’ which robs the family off their cooking time, which is a platform for a mother to bond with her children. In the above scenarios, children go to bed without affirmation and nurturing the parent- child bond and as a result, parents become strangers to their children and vice versa. This later causes many issues in this bond especially during the adolescence stage of a child.
There are activities that families can involve themselves in to value quality time such as taking walks and eating together as a family unit. What most parents don’t realise is that spending time with their children also has a therapeutic effect on them, where they become more relaxed and calm. Other means would be helping our children with their homework, as well as teaching and instilling values, morals and respect. This helps to reduce confusion in the child especially taking into consideration the different cultural backgrounds and beliefs in which children are exposed to these days. Through instilling values, morals and respect, a child understands what is expected of him/her as an individual in the family unit, and society at large. With this, children finally learn how to assess and evaluate for themselves and build tools for social and problem solving skills, basic life skills and degree of respect which in turn allows them to relate to other people in all contexts e.g. fellow pupils, other races, cultures, teachers, grown-ups and other children and which builds up one’s spirits.
Every parent would want their child to be happy, positive, successful, confident, respectful, loving and independent individuals. Our children will only know right from wrong once we spend a substantial amount of quality time with them. They learn about boundaries, where to go in times of trouble and who to rely on. The advantages of quality time are limitless to our children, ranging from physiological, biological, psychological and spiritual health.
As illustrated above, quality time was honoured in the past and families spent time together, however in today’s era there are signs that it may be ignored by some families. We need to re-evaluate our relationships with our children, as we all have goals of what we want our children to be but that all starts with the grooming stages of a child. This takes time, money, focus, discipline (on both parts), patience and most importantly our devotion. One can blame it on technology, our jobs and busy lives; however what we need to understand is that in order for our children to be happy and healthy they need love, caring, nurturing, communication, bonding, being with their parents and all these could be achieved through quality time.
(Hilma Ndapewa Mbandeka is a wellness and psychology professional and has BA: Psychology (UNAM), Hons.BA Psychology (UNISA) and is the Coordiantor: Career Institute Africa and is also connected to the My Wellness24/7 )