If you are new here, welcome to Mavutu Conversations. You will love it here. 

To say that I do not enjoy conversing with you guys would be subjecting myself to falsehood. I do, particularly because of the different ways in which men react to my posts time and again. Last week, I wrote an article where I was talking about how abuse do not survive because we do not take it seriously, but because of the little networks and slightly ‘invincible’ systems. 

However, I would like to take it a step further and directly highlight the role of men in making sure that abuse thrives.

Despite the occasional silence, the biggest contributing factor in my eyes is the passive men. Besides silence, we have men who perpetuate abuse through ‘by die hang. Tah gents, ano okaana owe ka panelbeat’a vali bra yange’? These men don’t ask why their friend beat their partner out of concern and wanting accountability, they ask to ‘applaud through braskap.’ 

In their eyes, he is the man of the moment because he knows how to discipline okaana komnhu. This again trickles back to how in many households and spaces, abuse is seen as a sign of discipline and love, instead of what it is,
abuse. 

In society, if you, as a man, can make your partner listen and do as you say through abuse, you are the primary example of Munene.

This might seem like something light and can’t possibly be what further triggers abuse, but believe you me, when the table is full of Henny and manonas, the respectability politics and loyalty towards the abusive buyer are what precede accountability amongst male friendships. 

I once sat amongst a group of men who were glorifying an abuser in the midst of abuse
reports. 

Now, if you know me personally, then you know that I am constantly the girl who ruins these spaces with my questions. ‘Singo oo ngaho o feminista mos.’ 

That girl is a feminist, that is never said out of respect for the work that I do, but more to make sure that they troll the work I do. When I question the comments disguised as jokes, they often downplay what they say with ‘ons grap net’, but can never explain the joke. 

Often, these very men are the ones whose argument is, ‘nah, we aren’t getting involved because it isn’t our relationship. Yes, but that is your friend. How are you not holding him accountable? When they really want you to get off their necks, they will say, ‘nxa, ons sal samet hom praat,’ but never do. The victim constantly waits for a saviour who never comes.

‘I would never beat a woman.’ Okay, but will you speak up and risk ruining the vibe for the whole squad? Will you keep quiet when everyone laughs at how the buyer disciplined his girlfriend last night? Will you question the vile comments disguised as jokes?

Because good men who do not interrupt bad men are simply spectators to harm, perhaps the real test of a good man is not whether he keeps his own hands clean. It is whether he is willing to get them dirty to stop another man’s violence.

*Frieda Mukufa’s lifestyle section in the New Era concentrates on women-related issues and parenting. She specialises in editing research proposals, proofreading, and content creation.

– etuholefrieda@ gmail.com