Our early childhood bond with our parents/primary caregivers informs how we are likely to relate to ourselves and others in our adulthood. Different attachment theorists such as Karen Horney, Ainsworth and Bowlby assert that the childhood bond between children and their parents is instrumental in shaping individuals’ later relationships, including the romantic partners (Feiring, 1983). Although we think that we choose romantic partners on a conscious level, our childhood attachment styles also influence the process at a subconscious level as we tend to be drawn to certain types of individuals, which we will notice when we observe our relationship patterns. There are four styles of attachments that are commonly known: Secure attachment style, Insecure-Anxious attachment style, the Insecure-Avoidant attachment style, and the Insecure-Disorganised attachment style.
Research implores that attachment develops based on the closeness provided by the parental figures to the infants. For instance, Secure attached individuals’ parents are considered to be responsive to their children’s needs in a quick and positive manner, whereas Anxious attached individuals’ parents are inconsistent in their parenting. Similarly, Avoidant attached persons’ parents are unresponsive, dismissive and uncaring to their children’s needs, whilst Disorganised attached persons’ parents are neglectful, abusive or respond in a frightening manner to their children’s needs (Ainsworth & Bell, 1978).
To help us identify our attachment styles, the following characteristics have been highlighted by @emotionenhancement as a guide:
Secure attachment style
• Positive view of self and others
• Interdependent – seeks closeness
while retaining autonomy
• Flexible; able to compromise and
resolve differences
• Able to communicate needs, and
expects needs will be met
• Good communication skills,
comfortable to give and receive love
• Confident and resilient
Avoidant attachment style
• High self-esteem (often inflated)
• Negative view of others
• Very independent and self-reliant;
distraction seeking
• Seeks emotional and physical
distance
• Minimise benefits of relationships;
creates ambivalence
• Repression of feelings
Anxious attachment style
• Suffers from low self-esteem
• Negative view of others
• Seeks excessive closeness in
relationships
• Can be demanding and clingy
• Can fixate on partners
• Reactive, and can be manipulative
• Maximises threats of relationships;
creates ambivalence
Disorganised attachment style
• Low self-esteem
• Negative view of others
• Ambivalent; wants closeness, but
also scared by it
• Maximises threats and minimises
benefits of relationships
• Can be overwhelmed by emotions;
prone to dissociation
• Withdrawn
Of course, in African context, children are necessarily not only raised by their biological parents, as grandparents and other family members often take over this responsibility. However, it needs to be understood that attachment is not only about ensuring that the children are fed. Rather, it is more concerned with the comfort provided to the children by their parents/caregivers. Laura Berk explains attachment as a “strong, affectionate tie we have with special people in our lives that leads us to experience pleasure when we interact with them, and to be comforted by nearness in times of stress”.
And this connection needs to be established during the formative years of childhood, which is from infancy through to 7 years of age.
Important to note is that having an insecure attachment style is not permanent and with professional help, self-reflection and willingness to challenge your patterns, one can strive towards a secure attachment style.
* Justine /Oaes (Clinical Psychologist Intern) – oaesjustine@gmail.com