Morna Ikosa
Toxic masculinity has become synonymous with concepts such as gender-based violence and the hashtag #MeTooMovement.
It has become public discourse, which is influencing pop culture and advertising campaigns. Toxic masculinity has also been abused by feminists, who are angry with patriarchy and misogyny.
Yet, there is another hidden beast, called ‘toxic femininity’, that is rearing its ugly head.
This term involves constraining a woman’s behaviour to fit stereotypical traits that men find pleasing and acceptable to them.
This term, however, has double meanings. On the one side, it has the woman as the victim and on the other side, it has her as the perpetrator.
On the side where she is the victim, toxic femininity seeks to put women in a box by holding them hostage to so-called ‘feminine attributes’ that have been defined by society, but more specifically by men.
Dr Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist, says toxic femininity has adverse effects on a woman’s mental health, as it increases stress levels, sabotages a woman’s self-image and identity, and contributes to the feeling of powerlessness, which ultimately impacts her relationships.
Men also use this behaviour as a tool to make women more submissive, especially in the workplace.
Examples of toxic femininity include a woman called aggressive when she is just being stern or emotional when she is exerting passion in a subject or cause.
It is being told things like “Act like a lady” when she shows assertiveness. Toxic femininity is also prevalent in homes.
I am sure you can relate to comments like, “What type of woman doesn’t know how to cook”; what if the man is the better cook? Which manual said women need to know how to cook to be defined as women?
Let us get to the other side of toxic femininity.
This side is probably one of the causes of depression and other mental health issues faced by women in the workplace. Most women get away with it, because society portrays women as empathisers, comforters and nurturers.
Do you remember the fatal death of Fabiolla Zondjembo, who committed suicide after being bullied by two managers at Shoprite Walvis Bay in January 2023?
It was reported that one of the managers was a woman.
A community activist and Labour Consultant cited that Fabiolla’s death is tacit proof of the rampant emotional abuse many workers are facing at work.
The activist said it is critical that unionists and the ministry of labour ensure that companies have compulsory wellness programmes to avoid similar tragedies.
Toxic femininity is difficult to identify, but it has been growing momentum over the years.
Someone exhibiting toxic femininity traits could, instead of congratulating another woman, say, “Ag, she must have slept her way to the top to get that promotion”.
Another trait is when a lady finds out that her partner is cheating on her, instead of dealing with her partner, she decides to harass and beat up, and slut shame the other woman.
Merely because there needs to be a protagonist in the story, and it cannot be her ‘man’. It is toxic femininity to block another woman’s promotion, because, after all, there can only be one queen.
Companies are trying their best to empower women. There have been a plethora of women empowerment events; however, you find that several women who attend these events are not transformed.
Instead, they continue to be perpetrators of toxic femininity at work and in their communities.
The question is, why? What are these women empowerment events missing? What are they not addressing? Did the racial discrimination and other social injustices women faced create such deep wounds that women see other women as enemies?
Research has found that women who display toxic femininity do not exhibit that to their male counterparts.
Women empowerment events need to change and address issues like toxic femininity with more vigour.
The ‘pull me down’ syndrome amongst women has become endemic.
Until when are women going to be perceived as drama queens, jealous, bitter, angry, disunited, competitive, irrational and passive-aggressive?
Women mostly blame patriarchy for the inequality they face at work – not realising that many of the obstacles they face were placed there by fellow women. Women also undermine each other in subtle and often passive-aggressive ways.
So, what would it cost for a woman to see another woman empowered and flourishing?
The world would be a much better place if women were united and had one common purpose. It is not hard. It starts with each one of us wanting to be the change we want to see in other women.
Next week, we will delve more into the term toxic femininity and its effects at the workplace.
*Morna Ikosa is a Senior Corporate Communications and Brand Reputation Strategist, CPRP, MA, AKA Fixer. To connect, send her a shout-out at micommunicationscc@gmail.com or find her on LinkedIn.