I think a big mistake many absent fathers make is to not fight to stay in their children’s lives.
Even though it has become the general excuse for evading responsibility towards the child, I understand there are some seriously toxic baby mamas out here, but how are you okay with walking away and leaving the well-being and safety of your child in the hands of a person you consider dramatic – or worse, toxic? Not being a constant presence in the child’s life means they have no opportunity to form a connection with you, and you are in no position to influence the child and who they become one day.
You rob yourself of sharing and one day leaving pieces of yourself within your child, and you rob your child of knowing and experiencing a crucial piece of their lineage.
It is no consolation to the child to one day find out who was more at fault between the two parents. In fact, the choices and circumstances that led to your absence won’t matter when stacked up against the missed years and the damage caused. And even when you try to build that connection later in life, it’s just not the same as being there consistently during their formative years.
Some people do get it right to truly connect later in life, but they are few and far apart – and even then, it’s never the same kind of relationship. We cannot change the past – only what we do with the present truly matters. There’s no better time than the present to reconnect with your child.
The longer you take to reconnect, the older they get, and the harder it becomes. I remember when my dad came back into my life after a 10-year absence.
I was just 16, but grown enough to understand the grief brought on by his absence. It took me almost 15 more years to start healing and remedying our relationship. It couldn’t have been easy to deal with as a teenager, and how I expressed my pain and grief regarding his absence and subsequent return.
But imagine if he had waited until I was much older to reach out? I appreciate him for making the effort to get back in my life because we are at a good place, and working on our relationship still.
Remember it’s not your child’s responsibility to build that relationship
with you, but the other way round. Also, don’t expect that your child will automatically receive you with open arms, especially as the years start to pile up. Of course, they may also lack the emotional maturity to fully appreciate what’s happening. Point is, it’s not always going to be easy, and you shouldn’t expect it to be. Like any relationship, there will be ups and many downs. If you are not willing to make the investment in the relationship and want to run again at the first sight of a struggle, then you will cause more harm than good by reaching out. It’s a process that requires effort, patience and humility. You may feel nervous or embarrassed, and you may not know where to start rebuilding the relationship, but just start anywhere by doing anything today that brings you closer to being in your child’s life. Being in your child’s life should be your priority – whether you have to get therapy, go to court or seek counselling from community leaders, like your pastor.
Paula Christoph’s column concentrates on positive and inspirational write-ups.