Last time, I wrote about the kind of sisterhood that helps carry us through different stages of our lives.

 That article received a lot of feedback, not just because people agreed with it, but because so many of us are craving that kind of community. 

In this fast, ever-changing world, it has become clear that we cannot do life alone.  We all need a small circle that reminds us who we are when the world gets too loud. Today, I want to write about something that has become even more important as we grow older – understanding the role that each friend plays in our lives. You see, friendship – real friendship – is not just about how long you have known someone.  It is about knowing which parts of yourself can sit comfortably in their presence. 

As such, I have come to realise that you can love people deeply and still know that they are not meant to carry every version of you.

I like to think there are three types of friends we all need. The first is the one who gives sound advice. This friend is usually older, wiser and does not sugarcoat what you need to hear. 

They are the ones who will look you in the eye and say, ‘No, you are wrong this time’.

 It is not because they want to embarrass you, but because they want you to grow.

Then there is the friend who listens, like really listens and offers a different perspective without trying to change your mind.  This person reminds you that you have the power to make your own decisions.  They will say, ‘You know what is best for you’, and somehow, that is exactly what you needed to hear. Lastly, there is the friend who brings light – the one you call when you want to unwind, dance or just be. This friend does not ask deep questions or offer heavy advice – they simply offer joy.  That is just as important because, sometimes, healing comes through laughter and a soft place to land after a hard day. Mixing up these friendships, however, can be dangerous. Expecting one person to carry all three roles can lead to disappointment.  Not everyone can handle every version of you, and that is okay. Some friendships are made for the fun nights, others for the heavy talks, and a few rare ones for both. The key is to know who to go to and when. What I have also learned is that friendships change. The person who once carried you through your darkest moments might now be the one needing support. The one who was always up for fun might be craving quiet. It does not mean the friendship has ended. It means it is evolving.  Growth sometimes pulls people apart, but love and gratitude keep them connected in new ways. So, as we navigate adulthood, it is important to choose your circle carefully – not by status or popularity, but by alignment.  Surround yourself with people who clap when you win, who call you out with love and who remind you to rest. Friendships are small ecosystems, with each one playing its role in keeping your world balanced. And if you ever find yourself wondering who you are in someone else’s circle, be the kind of friend you would want to have.  Be honest, kind and present.  Because at the end of the day, friendships are not measured in years, but in moments that made us feel seen, supported and safe.

*Frieda Mukufa’s lifestyle section in the New Era concentrates on women-related issues and parenting. She specialises in editing research proposals, proofreading and content creation. 

– etuholefrieda@ gmail.com