Growing up, most boys from a young age are conditioned to not express their emotions. This despite them being humans with emotions. Our societies, school environments, families, cultures, authority figures and sadly masculinity itself is responsible for silencing and minimising the emotions experienced by boys. Phrases such as “boys don’t cry” or “boys are strong and tough” reinforce the false notion that boys escape emotional harm after traumatic experiences. An American Psychological Association (APA) study informs that traditional masculinity is psychologically destructive, and that socialising boys to supress their emotions causes harm which vibrates both inwardly and outwardly.
Another study concurs that early conditioning can deny boys access into their emotions, leaving them with very limited emotional repertoire. Out of 34 000 emotions, anger is the most common emotion associated with boys. In psychological settings, anger oftentimes presents itself in antisocial behaviour, substance use and suicide attempts, mostly among teenage boys. These boys eventually grow up into young men, and later become adult men who are consumed with overwhelming internal conflict, not knowing what to do with what they feel. This is perhaps the reason why we witness and experience crimes committed by men against women and children, as well as other men who are considered to be lesser of men or weaker by mainstream masculinity.
American educators and community GBV activists Jackson Katz and Tony Porter in their engagements discuss the formation of toxic masculinity and its repercussions.
These authors posit that the construction of unhealthy masculinity is bred in the households – how fathers relate to boys when they express emotions. Also, it’s created in the way we use language. Psychiatrist Terry Kupers defines toxic masculinity as a group of socially backward manly mannerisms that foster domination, aggression, devaluation of women and homophobia.
The recent Oscars’ incident that involved two male celebrities – where one slapped the other – is an indication of how toxic masculinity portrays itself, and is often maintained in some communities. However, traditional/mainstream/toxic masculinity is challenged as it stifles the development of young boys into healthy men. American actor Terry Crews redefines “toughness of men” to being “composed”, and to deal with altercations in constructive and healthier manners, which is likely to require emotional vulnerability. Furthermore, studies indicate that boys are healthier and happier when they are emotionally healthy, and therefore can live full lives as they evolve.
How to help boys find emotional health:
See boys for who they are – as emotional beings; Teach boys early enough about various emotional vocabulary; If anger is the default feeling, normalise other feelings too; Encourage boys to express and embrace their feelings; Model desirable behaviour – instead of applying anger in problem-solving, rather handle the situation calmly and with respect; Seek professional help.
Emotionally healthy boys are bound to be better future partners, parents, leaders and community members.
* Justine /Oaes (Clinical Psychologist Intern) - oaesjustine@gmail.com