In the previous article, we explored the different attachment styles, and its importance in how we relate to the self and others. American research indicates that 66% of people have secure attached style. However, these findings may not be reflective in certain contexts, especially where divorces are rife and children are brought up in single-parent households or in some contexts, where children from onset are raised by single parents due to absenteeism or lack of involvement from the other parent.
As a result, many of us may be insecurely attached – avoidant attached, anxious attached, or disorganised attached, and may also be in relationships with people who share similar insecure attachment styles. An ideal relationship situation would be to be with someone who is securely attached when one is insecurely attached.
Nevertheless, when in relationships, it’s helpful to be aware of each other’s attachment styles and strive towards understanding the complexities each person brings to the relationship. When engaging with people, the following attachment style guidelines are proposed by @silvykhoucasian and Jennifer Nurick:
The avoidant attached persons need partners who will not take certain triggers personally; who makes genuine effort in understanding their partner’s fears and concerns; who understand their partner’s anxiety can be triggered by closeness; who sets loving but firm boundaries when partners threaten to leave the relationships; who reassures partner’s love for who they are, and not because of what they can do; who will gently support partners in seeking individual therapy, if possible.
The anxious attached persons need partners who will understand that it may be difficult for their partners to directly communicate when they are upset; who gives partners positive reassurance when they are upset; who lovingly set boundaries/limits when partners show protest behaviour; who will accept that their partners have a fear of abandonment that won’t make sense; who, when the partners project on them, can gently redirect the focus back to their partners.
The disorganised attached persons need partners who are consistent and provides them safety in the relationship; who will understand their fears in the relationships; who will allow space for fluctuating moods while setting healthy boundaries; who will take a short break during an argument to allow their partners time to gather themselves.
In closing, as much as we need supportive partners to navigate the relationships when we are insecurely attached, healing is the responsibility of the individuals with the insecure attached persons. Therefore, seek professional help in order to enjoy healthy relationships.
“Your attachment style can change and different things can activate different sides of yourself. It’s so important to identify it, beware of it, and communicate it”
– Annabella Evangeline
* Justine /Oaes
Clinical Psychologist Intern
oaesjustine@gmail.com