Kambangane’s sweat-dripping hands clasped a girl whose box braids stretched to the kraal.  “This is my soulmate,” he said, his heart skipping. The orange braids girl poses her lemony fingernails on the hips. “What’s up, guys?” she said, lifting a high-five. 

Immediately, Kambangane’s cousin, Musuverua spilled a wooden spoon of sour milk on her lap. “She speaks tongue-twisting words,” said Kambangane’s mom.  

“You’ll not marry this girl,” shouted Kambangane’s dad, his popped eyes pressed at the girl’s carroty high heels. 

“She’s an angel,” teased Kambangane, kissing the beauty’s cheeks. “I’ll not bless you with a holy stick,” yelled Kambangane’s dad. “Honey, I bought a bronze stick,” the moon-sized eyes girl chuckled, rolling her love-drowning eyes. Instantly, the groom took a selfie with a brownish-yellow stick.  

“I’ll go to the grave before my day,” cursed Kambangane’s dad, pointing his stick at the yawning gate of the cemetery. Days later, the flashing lightning from stick-mounted cameras blinded Kambangane as he vowed, “I do,” with a 9-carat diamond ring. A whiskery-bearded man bullied the couple to kiss on the grapefruit-coloured carpet.  

Soon, they took the bride to the village in a coffin-shaped car. The news of the groom’s dad, who’d journeyed to the ancestors’ world, disturbed the honeymoon, and litres of tears rained on the newlywed’s cheeks. The next day, the groom asked his wife to prepare some liver.  

First, she battled to kindle the fire, and when the flame sparked, she stoked the fire, pushing the pot with the sizzling liver. Afterwards,  she washed the meat and served him, but his teeth crushed the soiled liver.  

The next day, she brought him bubbling tea in a red enamel cup.  Kambangane took the cup, but the red-hot cup peeled the skin from his hands. Soon, their shaking lips were about to match when Kambangane spotted his beloved dad walking out of the cemetery.  

Instantly,  he bites off her tongue. Kambangane’s mom begged her daughter-in-law to collect cow dung so she could plaster her hut. The bride carried elephant’s  poop on her head, slipped, and splashed the runny poo onto her mother-in-law’s face. 

“Let’s plaster the hut,” said her mother-in-law, pushing her lips.“I can’t mess my fingernails,” she said, cupping her mouth. Minutes later, Kambangane was blindfolded by love and opened the car’s door for his wife. 

The boiling point arrived when Kambangane jumped from his camping chair so that his darling could sit. Finally, the groom’s mom wrestled Kambangane’s sweetheart on a bedbug-infested mat.