Bruh? Beauty Pageants in Namibia? Hoho, where do I even start? Ok, first things first. What is a beauty pageant? It’s a Beauty contest. Simple. Right? Not in Namibia. Not in the Land of the Brave. Nope, not here. Beauty Pageants in Namibia are those events, with thousands of school kids, house music, no beauties on stage, too many artists and weird answers to questions during the traditional q&a for the top 5.
Did I mention fights? Nxina boys waiting outside ready to pull a #Amupanda on your smartphones and that one parent who believes her daughter was robbed! That is a Namibian definition of a beauty pegeant! A beauty Pageant is usually an entry level test for an aspiring event’s organiser. Let me help you with a few symptoms of an aspiring event’s organiser’s work on a beauty pageant.
Decorations are either non-existent or really basic. You know, that ka-white lapiekie and um, a little glitter here and there? Everybody is running the stage riot. This is where every single second-second someone is either up on stage en route to the back of the stage or coming from the back unto the stage into the general audience. What these people go do, backstage is beyond me.
You’d be lucky to find a poster of the event. If there is a poster, there are probably too many writings on it, with a weird font and 100 colours on one poster. The MC, which in many cases is usually an upcoming MC who is restricted to a certain corner because the mic is well, corded. The MC says alota sh*t, sh*t because that is what it sounds like. A lota annoyance to your ear, why? Because the sound is beyond crap. The girls….oh boy. Do not even get me started. Ano, isn’t a beauty pageant a beauty contest? Remember, that is the paper definition. One should always contextualise something to our piepolo-Namibians. Hence in Namibia, a beauty pageant is well….the exact opposite!
Then there are the performers. You get three types of performers at these pageants. Remember, we are talking about beauty pageants hosted by as an entry level test to an aspiring events organiser. Keep up re Abuti Seun. Now, the first type is the Hip Hop/RnB performer. A little bandena hanging from the back of his pants, shades, depleted china-lands (Chinese version of a Timberland) and all you hear is “I’m so hot; I got haters and yeah now im back”. Bruh, back from where? What haters? You’re so hot? But you wearing these boots and um…ok, bye.
The second kind of performer is a girl group that always has the funniest outfits on. School skirt, long songs dancing to some Rihanna song. Last kind of performer is the Kwaito boys. Bra….Like seriously?
And then you must see the ka-crowd going bananas over these laaities. You know what I hate about these Kwaito dancing groups? That song mixing/cutting story. Which songs are always in these mixes? 100 years by Five for Fighting. White people before you get excited, it’s a house version. Sit down. Then there is Vusu by Exit and Mushe. Oh, oh, they also love that “All the single ladies” by Beyonce. SHOOT ME NOW! Like, NOW!
One last symptom? On the night walk or um…official walk? Ag you know mos that last walk where the boys have suits on and the ladies have confirmation dresses on? Yeah, that one. The Dj’s have a habit of repeating a slow jam. Imagine, 10 female and 10 male finalists, all walking on Tamia: Smile. Etse! Ask the Dj, mara…my pa..why you repeating the song?… “Sorry man, but the kids practiced on this song”.
Mxii.
Until the next Loop, we say #GMTM
Song of the week: Jones & Denzo: Tick Tok
Flop of the week: Any song by Nosholola!
Need an MC? Contact NSK for a quote at naobebsekind@gmail.com